Making Peace With Our Expectations
Tell Me About the Expectations You Had for Your Child
Next weekend is my 50th high school reunion. I’m looking forward to it – although my expectations for this reunion are far different than my 10th or even my 20th. For those earlier reunions, I knew what I was wearing well in advance, and I had nail and hair appointments lined up. I have nothing figured out for this one – and I only have a few days to get it together. At this point in my life, I am more interested in connecting than impressing. What a relief age can be.
At our 10th reunion, we were teeming with expectations - about our lives, marriages, children, and careers. As we approach our 50th, I think we are more real, more honest. There have been divorces, remarriages, deaths, and disappointments. Nobody’s child became president, but most of us are content, and content is not something I take for granted. The expectations of the younger me have fallen away and been replaced with acceptance and even gratitude.
Having expectations is an unavoidable part of being human. Sadly, most of us spend the better part of our lives striving into the expectations that others have for us rather than focusing on our own desires and dreams. And the cycle continues - we transfer our expectations to other people in our lives, especially our children, and that’s when things can get dicey.
From the moment we decide to bring children into the world, our minds begin spinning with dreams, hopes, and expectations for their lives. But what happens when those expectations are not based in reality? When our dreams for our children do not coincide with their interests, talents, and abilities, how do we readjust? Afterall, these expectations are products of our imaginations not our child’s.
Placing expectations on our children leads to an impossible dance where disappointment is inevitable. As parents, we often transfer the unachieved aspirations we had for our own lives to our children by trying to create the perfect home, offering opportunities we may have missed, protecting and controlling as we attempt to save our children from repeating our perceived mistakes.
The problem with expectations is that they are usually not based in reality, and they are definitely not within our control. As children grow and move beyond our influence, the hopes we had for them become jumbled up in a world of strangers who introduce them to new ideas and beliefs. This propels our children down roads we never imagined, causing us to lose the little control we thought we had over the outcome of their lives.
I tried to prepare my children for the risk and pitfalls that lay outside the walls of our home, but my best intentions did not stop my daughter from befriending heroin and spiraling into a life I never anticipated - my dreams and expectations disappearing into her funnel of self-destruction. I suddenly had to adjust my expectations from “What will she achieve in her life?” to “Will she make it through today?”.
We hold the dreams and expectations for our children close to our hearts and surrendering those hopes is hard. We cannot base our lives on what our children do or don’t do, achieve or don’t achieve – we are separate beings with separate paths to walk. Acknowledge your feelings of disappointment and begin trading expectations for gratitude.
As I dig through my closet and begin to accept the reality that I really do need to go shopping, I consider, “How do I adjust my expectations to the reality of my life?” I will go to my reunion happily single and purposely solo, and I am comfortable with that. Ten years ago, it wasn’t so easy, but it turns out that I like myself! I am not everyone’s cup of tea - but I am fine with that.
At this reunion, I hope to listen more, be curious, not judge those with opinions different from my own – and there will be many! I will remember that there are no villains here – only fallible humans doing their best. I will be patient, pause before I speak, open myself to new perspectives, and be grateful for this time to connect with friends I have known for most of my life.
Looking to connect? Everyone deserves to be happy and supported in their lives, and that includes you. No matter what you’ve been through, happiness is achievable.
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