Detachment – An Essential Pillar in Setting Boundaries
“You are not required to set yourself on fire to keep others warm.” - Penny Reid
Detachment can best be described as the process of letting go, but how and when do we detach ourselves from our adult children? When does a child even become an adult? And how can we accept their adulthood and decision making when we see them walking down roads that we would never choose!
My grandmother Angie liked to say, “children go from one obnoxious stage to another, and I don’t particularly like the stage you’re in now!” At the time, I was a grown woman with children of my own. She was a tough and loving woman who took us fishing and piloted a huge turquoise Cadillac singing nonstop songs as we drove. She kept an ax under the front seat of the car and loved to tell me that no one was going to mess with an old woman swinging an ax. When she died and the family began separating her keepsakes, I took the ax!
My grandmother’s way of raising children was very different from my parents and from me. She believed her primary responsibility was to provide food, clothing, and a roof over her children’s heads. She could not understand why we insisted on wood floors in our homes when she had worked so hard to afford carpet - she didn’t want her children stepping out of bed onto a cold floor. With strong opinions, she expected care and respect from her children and grandchildren, and she got it!
My parents upped things a notch. They felt compelled to provide food, clothing, a roof over our heads, and an education. When I was a senior in high school, I walked into my parent’s bedroom, where my father sat in his chair reading the paper and announced that I didn’t think I would go to college. My father looked up from his paper and said, “I think you will…four years” and that ended our conversation. He wasn’t the least bit concerned with my teenage emotions or that I was madly in love!
With my children, I incorporated all the above but then added the unrealistic goal of trying to ensure their success and happiness. I wasn’t the only one! The competitive, hovering, and total enmeshment in our children’s lives was widespread. I’m not sure why we thought it was healthy or sane to try and shield our children from the natural ups and downs of life as they inched towards adulthood, but with our need to control and take responsibility also came an unhealthy attachment that was and still is hard to break.
There is an appropriate time for attachment parenting when we are raising our children. We naturally devote ourselves to nurturing and guiding our young ones, helping them explore the world and hopefully steering them down a path that allows them to discover where they fit into this life. But at some point, our protective approach and advocacy role must end. Our children, thankfully, become adults and exerting excess control at that point can lead to an unhealthy and codependent relationship.
Detachment insists on letting another person experience the consequences for their choices rather than jumping in and taking responsibility or trying to fix, but this can be tough for parents. There are no easy answers or magic solutions on how to detach well, but I believe that it is a skill best learned one step at a time - some of us start later than others with this process.
Detachment and letting go reminds us that our children are not our own and never have been. They are uniquely themselves and can only truly discover all that they are when we detach with love – supporting them when they succeed as well as when they fail. When you can listen without giving advice, you are detaching with love. I am still working on that!
To be healthy parents, we must discover ways to live contentedly on our own. Afterall, the only relationship you will have for a lifetime is with you. We can learn to find joy in watching our children grow and celebrating in each step they take towards independence. Detachment is a gift that allows us to be better observers of ourselves as well as our children, and when you don’t like what you see - to pause, breathe, and listen before jumping in to provide advice and save.
Today, I encourage you to commit to detachment. Allow yourself and those around you the freedom to be who they are and where they are. Embrace the uncertainty of life as well as the infinite possibilities that emerge when we let go and live in the moment.
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