Setting Boundaries
What is a boundary and how do we set them with our children? In the simplest terms, a boundary is the line you draw around yourself to determine where you end, and your child begins. As writer and embodiment coach, Prentis Hemphill puts it: “Boundaries are the distance at which I can love you and me simultaneously.”
The doctor sets the first boundary when he cuts the umbilical cord at birth and a child takes their first breath, independent of the warmth and security of a mother’s womb. Immediately, the child begins making loud and unrelenting demands of the world and the people around them. And so, the pull and push dance between parents and children begins.
Boundaries were always tough for me…not just with my children but with life in general. As a people pleaser and a “yes” girl, boundaries felt inconvenient and mine were porous and fluid. Then I had children and the older they became, the more they pushed to establish their individuality and personal boundaries, and the more I pulled to keep them close and maintain control. Children can’t wait to grow up, but parents often meet these leaps to independence with a combination of pride as well as loss…afraid they will no longer be needed.
Letting go and allowing your children to blossom into their own beings and make their own decisions can be tough on parents, especially when you perceive them making choices you disagree with. Addiction falls here. The loss of control and inability to fix this is overwhelming.
It took me years to discover the word NO and understand that setting boundaries is part of loving and respecting myself as well as my child, especially when that child has turned to addiction. Learning how to set and maintain boundaries with an addict is essential to a parent’s survival, happiness, and peace. And YES, happiness and peace are possible!
Setting boundaries is the first and most important step you can take in changing the dynamics with your addict, but remember, boundaries work both ways. On the one side is the parent and on the other side is the child. Neither party can control what is happening on the other side of the boundary. This is true whether your child is struggling with addiction or the natural steps of becoming an adult.
Parents who love themselves allow their children to walk their own walk, including children struggling with addiction, knowing the only control they have is over their own actions and reactions. It is important to accept that children are not defined by the drugs they are ingesting, and as parents, we can continue to offer love, be happy for our children’s successes and sad for their failures - maintaining the overall view that each of us is on our own path.
Are you having problems setting boundaries with your child? Coaching is one way to explore and change your boundaries and establish healthier boundaries that will help you achieve your goals.
What is Life Coaching?
Coaching is a forward-looking approach to healing and growth. I create a non-judgement space for you to gain confidence, shatter your negative limiting beliefs, implement boundaries, and start living in a place of peace and abundance. Are you willing to get uncomfortable, challenge your comfort zone, and take steps to reclaim control of your life?
Let’s talk. Book a 30-minute free discovery call and take your first step toward healing.