Stop Worrying and Start Living
“Our life is what our thoughts make it.” – Marcus Aurelius
I have a history of chronic worrying. I cannot remember when I wasn’t worried about something or someone. And I don’t worry lightly; I dive in, going from zero-100 in moments. Worry was the noise in my head that I could not silence. It would be triggered by something as simple as one of my children not answering their phone, sleeping later than is normal, or heaven forbid, I lost reception while we were talking…the first place my mind went was to disaster and dead. I have crept into their rooms to make sure they are breathing and caught myself dialing their numbers over and over, frozen in fear, until they answered. I planned funerals in my head the way other people made grocery list.
When my daughter was living on the streets for two and a half years as a heroin addict, I lost myself in my helplessness and worry. Those were dark days. I spent my evenings with a glass of cheap chardonnay in my hand, scrolling the internet, reading blogs by other parents struggling with addiction, and feeding my fears. I lived in a constant state of anxiety, self-medicating and isolating as I spiraled.
The term “worried sick” is real. We were both sick; Crystal from addiction and me from worry. Worry is our minds attempt at outrunning our helplessness, but chronic worry and emotional stress can trigger a host of health problems from poor sleep and nausea to irritability and muscle tension. It also ages you, and none of us want that!
For those who have suffered past trauma, worry can also serve as crutch. Allowing ourselves to go to a worst-case scenario is often an attempt to guard our hearts against repeating past pain. By imagining all the potentially negative outcomes of a situation, worrying becomes a temporary fix, giving us something to focus on and offering a brief reprieve from the discomfort associated with feeling helpless. In my case, any outcome short of death became a relief; a result I saw as a win.
How did I stop my spiral? In 2017, a series of bizarre circumstances involving CNN, a policeman in Albuquerque, and an angel of a man who offered rehab ended my Crystal’s time on the streets. After a five-year roller coaster of addiction, my daughter was safely tucked away in rehab, but I was still crashing. You can’t turn off your worry like a light switch. As scared as I had been that Crystal would die on the streets, now I was now equally afraid of what it would mean if she got clean. So, while Crystal was doing her recovery work, I began a healing journey of my own. Five years later, I can confidently say that I’ve come a long way. There is still work to do, but I’ve accepted that healing is a lifelong journey.
This journey has required me to take a deep look at the roots of my fears and worries and identify what triggers me. Like so many, I received bad programming in relation to this misunderstood emotion. I accepted the false belief that worrying was part of being human; synonymous with being a caring and sensitive person, ignoring the negative and dangerous side. I now accept that worry is a habit – one that I can either feed or change.
Bad habits can be broken, and good habits formed. Once I was able to label worry as a habit, it didn’t feel so insurmountable, and I began developing steps to manage it. When I found myself triggered, I learned to employ breathing and relaxation techniques, taking a moment to greet my feelings rather than run from them. By stepping back and seeing the problem separate from my fear and need to control, I could get curious about my reaction and ask questions:
What am I worrying about? What evidence do I have that this is a real problem or one I can solve? Is this problem out of my control?
Relaxing is also a habit; one I choose to develop day to day. When I close my eyes and imagine myself as a leaf on the water, moving gracefully with the ebbs and flows, quiet and present, I can detach and accept how little control I have over the outcomes in my life. When we embrace quiet and learn to bend to our circumstances, life is easier.
Each day we have a choice; to feed our worry and let it take hold or to live in the moment and accept our limitations with gratitude and joy. We are the masters of our minds. I know I will never completely vanquish worry from my life, but by disciplining my mind and developing positive strategies, I can manage this gremlin of an emotion and keep him in his place, rejoicing in this life and the gifts I’ve been given.
Are you making yourself sick with worry? Looking to make changes in your life but unsure where to start?
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