The Blame Game
“Take your life in your own hands and what happens? A terrible thing: no one to blame.
- Erica Jong
Do you find yourself blaming others when life doesn’t go as planned? Perhaps you got passed over for a promotion, your relationship fell apart, you didn’t get the job, you made a bad investment, missed your kid’s game or wrecked your car…there are millions of scenarios! Do you own your mistakes, learn, and adjust or is your “go to” behavior to blame someone else when life goes awry.
Blaming is a habit, a thought process we adopt at a young age and often hang on to for dear life. As the mother of many, when something was broken, eaten, lost, or destroyed in my house, the claims of innocence by my children were loud and adamant. No one did it! Even the child holding the bat outside the broken window had no idea how the ball ended up in my pot of chili. It seemed that the invisible child I never gave birth to or saw was responsible for all the mishaps in our home.
My ex-husband was convinced that every item he misplaced was stolen. True, I never locked the front door, but a thief sneaking in to make off with his cuff links…really? More often than not, the missing item turned up in a spot where only he would have placed it, and even then, he was reluctant to take responsibility. We all hate being culpable. The “blame game” masks our faults, hides our guilt, and upholds the illusion of perfection to those around us.
And what about me? Was I any better? Absolutely not.
There was a time when I was a master blamer! There were so many alternative targets for blame available to me – anything that could get me out of owning my own role in the messiness of my life. I could blame my parents, my upbringing, the fifties, the sixties, past traumas, x-husbands, teachers, Disney! Disney assured me that the man of my dreams would show up, whisk me off my feet, and take care of everything. As Snow White proclaimed in shrill song, “Someday my prince will come!” A lot of pressure on those boys – and a generation of girls waiting to be rescued.
I grew up NOT being encouraged to take responsibility for my own life. And although Disney may be doing a better job, the blame game continues to thrive in our society. Boosted by the 24-hour news cycle, social media, advertising, and a culture that keeps us moving at breakneck speed – we are simply “too busy” to stop and question what we are doing, why we are doing it, and what we are gaining by accusing others rather than looking to our own behavior.
Why do we blame others?
Well, I would argue mostly because the alternatives take a lot more work. Blaming is a quick fix – an easy escape from guilt and discomfort, a way to switch focus, and a tool to maintain a façade of perfection. But we aren’t perfect…we are human! We all make mistakes and we all have moments of failure. Only by looking at these mistakes or failures are we truly able to reflect, improve, and grow. When our lives revolve around blaming others, we stay stuck behind self-made walls that we think can protect us, but that actually keep us isolated from our authentic selves – the selves that want to be loved, to belong, to create, and to expand. At the end of the day, the blame game stunts our growth and holds us back.
When you stay stuck in the blaming loop, you’re essentially handing control of your life over to everyone and everything but you. You move to the backseat and leave the driving to someone who has never had the privilege of seeing the real you. Life will always be unpredictable, and we can’t control all the external forces at play, but when you take responsibility for the problems you encounter, you also earn the right to control the solutions. In controlling the solutions, you gain independence and confidence in your decisions.
Blaming others is a learned behavior that can be unlearned. You can stop reinforcing the unhelpful thinking patterns that have been burned into your brain. There is extraordinary power in pushing back against behaviors that no longer serve you. We all must make choices throughout our lives and those choices have consequences. When we take responsibility for our actions, we are choosing to free ourselves to be the imperfect (and hopefully happier) human beings we were born to be.
Habits don’t change overnight and moving from blame to accountability takes time, courage, and intention. You must believe in your ability to handle your life without asking for input from everyone around you. Why do we ask for input? So, if things go wrong, we have someone to blame!
For me, there were many small steps to escaping the blame game. Each time I made a decision on my own, and the world did not implode, I gained some ground. As my confidence grew, those small steps became bigger leaps. I gained the insight that no one knew me as well as I did, and that the flip-side of having no one to blame is that you can truly connect to what you want and choose that. If I wanted to re-upholster my living room chair with an outrageous fabric, I didn’t need anyone’s permission…freedom! When you become the central compass of your life - you will no longer feel the need to blame.
Are You Ready to Take Your Life into Your Own Hands?
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